Wednesday, February 11, 2015

late night word vomit

I haven't really written about my feelings on here in a while. My posts lately have been stupid picture dumps with poorly thought out captions. I've gotten to the point where I don't care about this blog as much, which makes me sad. I want to be better at recording how I'm feeling  along with the pictures I'm posting.

The last time that I was really honest and open on here, I unexpectedly made a new friend. When I shared some of my experiences and feelings about my anxiety, I had a girl, who has anxiety as well, reach out to me. We have never met before, but she contacted me, and we became instant friends. We talk all the time, and seems like we have known each other for years. We joke about how we have never even been around each other, and yet we are such good friends. She helps me when I'm freaking out and listens to my irrational fears. I'm so grateful for her and that I followed the prompting that I had to be honest about my anxiety on this blog.

Anxiety is freaking hard. I obsess over things and have a hard time feeling ok with who I am and what I'm doing. Lately I've had a hard time letting myself be happy. I worry that my actions and are hurting other people. I hate thinking that I would ever be responsible for someone else's heartache and pain. My friends are wonderful, but sometimes they tell me not to worry about these things, and I have a really hard time with that. They don't realize how my anxiety affects me and how I have a hard time just moving past things like this. I panic until I know that people don't hate me and that there isn't any resentment felt toward me. Probably sounds pretty dumb, and  I feel like I am not making any sense at all right now. I just hope that others are aware that I would never intentionally hurt someone and that I worry about how my actions affect them. I care about how I make others feel, and I hope that the people in my life are happy and ok.

Brittany Davies is a saint. She is my therapist who helps me through all of my stupid problems. Tonight she listened to me as I cried to her about how I am scared of  hurting peoples' feelings and am having a hard time letting myself be happy. She is so wise and kind. I'm grateful for her and that she could be there for me tonight. She helped me to see that I am trying to live my life in a way that makes God happy. I want to be kind to people. I want to be thoughtful and not seem like I'm rubbing my life in other peoples' faces. I am trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I can only control how I feel and can only control MY  happiness. I don't ever want to hurt other people, but that is out of my control. I need to try not to obsess about how other people may or may not be feeling.  If I want to be happy I have to CHOOSE to be happy. Will I still experience the depression that comes with my anxiety? Obviously. BUT I can work to try and be the happiest that I can be regardless of my mental state. I'm grateful for good friends, especially Britt, who help me to be happy and feel peace. I have been blessed with incredible friends who deal with me when I'm an anxious freak.

It is 1:35 in the morning so I'm pretty sure this entire post was just me rambling,  but I felt strongly that I needed to write this all out. Basically I want to say I'm sorry to anyone who I may have hurt recently. I hate thinking that I could be responsible for any anguish another person is experiencing. I hope that everyone reading this knows that I care about how they are doing and and how they are feeling.

Because every blog post needs a picture...Max brings me a lot of happiness. Whenever I go home he makes me laugh so much. We have dance battles and snuggle, and its just what I need. I'm so grateful that he was born ten years after me, so he could be this sweet age when I needed him to be.

Booooo updating on my phone doesn't work for pictures. Just imagine a picture of me snuggling Max. Cute right?

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